FOR ONCE ITS GOING TO BE ABOUT ME!!!

LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT....I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR PEOPLE. I HAVE NEVER TOLD PEOPLE HOW TO RUN THEIR LIVES. WHY SHOULD I LET PEOPLE DO THAT TO ME. I'M NOT GOING TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY LIFE AND MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME. YES, MY FIANCE STARTS SOME PRETTY FUCKING STUPID ARGUMENTS, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW THAT TO STOP ME. I LOVE THE MAN AND I DO WANT TO MARRY HIM. PEOPLE FIGHT. PEOPLE ARGUE. WHY SHOULD THIS BE ANY DIFFERENT? I HAVE KNOWN THE MAN FOR 6 YEARS AND WE HAVE NEVER FOUGHT. YES, I REALIZE THAT WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 STRAIGHT YEARS, BUT WHY SHOULD THAT MATTER? WHY SHOULD I LET THAT DETER ME FROM MARRYING HIM? IF YOU CANNOT SUPPORT ME THAN I WILL SHOW YOU THE DOOR. I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO LET IT SLAM YOU IN THE ASS AS YOU WALK OUT OF IT. YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME. SOMETIMES THERE ARE BUMPS IN THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT IN ORDER TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP BETTER. IF ARGUING IS THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT, FINE! SOMETIMES ITS THE SAME PETTY ARGUMENT. AND THAT IS JUST WHAT IT IS, PETTY!

ANYWAY, WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS, FOR ONCE I AM GOING TO TAKE CHARGE OF MY LIFE AND MAKE MY OWN DECISONS. I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO ANYONE. I AM GOING TO FOLLOW MY HEART. IF THIS ISN'T WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO BE DOING THEN I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT. UNTIL THEN THERE IS NOTHING STOPPING ME FROM MARRYING THIS MAN. PEOPLE FIGHT AND THAN THEY GET OVER IT. THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. I'M JUST ASKING THAT PEOPLE SUPPORT ME IN ANY DECISION THAT I MAKE. IF YOU CAN'T THEN I AM SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY. FOR ONCE THIS IS GOING TO BE ABOUT ME! I AM GOING TO TAKE ACTION OF MY LIFE. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T AGREE CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES. THE END!

....Is it too much to ask?

Hello again. Yes, it IS time for another late night blog. I don't nearly blog enough, but there is something that's really been bugging me and I need to get it off my chest. So, here goes nothing.

Recently I feel that I've been "expecting" too much from people. I am ALWAYS there for people. I stay up to all hours trying to help people, yet when I have an issue I feel as though that people suddenly have "better things to do" and do not have the time to do the same for me. Sorry, I am not a dumping ground. You cannot expect me to be there for you and than not be there for me. I am not as strong as I may seem. I need JUST as much help as the next person. And sorry, but when I am telling you something "damn" and "that sucks" does nothing. It does not make me feel better. It makes me feel that you would rather be doing other things then listening to my problems. So, from now on when I say that something is wrong just tell me that you don't want to hear it and I will "gladly" go to another form of communication and find someone that actually want's to listen to me. Or I will just write about it hear and make you feel like shit because you are the worst friend ever! I feel like this is a good time to mention that this ISN'T directed towards any one person. This is for the several assholes in my life that always want MY help and NEVER want to help me. THANK YOU! It really means a lot to me that people I thought were my friends could really care less. So, please go back to your regularly scheduled programs and your "better things to do" and don't even bother listening to my problems. I have now learned NOT to expect too much from the people in my life.

On a side note: thank you to the ones that ARE always there for me. Know that you are few and far between.

AR

Life Has Never Been This Bad.

For 19 years I've had this friend, this friend who's been there through thick and thin, but recently she has not been there and I don't know how much longer I can take. I am constantly depressed, it hurts to eat, my stomach constantly hurts, and I feel as though this friendship ending has been harder on me then its been for her. I can't function and all I want to do is cry. I am NOT this person.

Last night I tried to talk to her via AIM and I was ignored. Which is only proving that everything I said was right. I will take no excuses. Anything at this point would just be awkward. Its been so long that I feel like we could never pick up where we left off. Life as friends would never be the same. I hate feeling this way. I have NEVER felt like this. Does this mean I am actually a normal person? Whatever normal is. I can't continue to feel like this. Its not healthy. I don't know anyway around it. I can't deal with my feelings like a normal person, because I've never really had any feelings. I thought that she would be in my life forever. I know now that I was wrong and nothing can ever change that.

I can't even end this blog because I am so upset. Stay tuned.

Unshed Tears: An Informal Apology (of sorts)

I'm so conflicted right now. I have this friend who I really care about, but I have no idea what is going on in our friendship. We have known each other for 19 years and never has it been this bad. We fight so much now and maybe its my fault, who knows. All I know is that we aren't the same that we use to be. Things get in the way. Not so much people, but things do. Maybe its because we are always with other people now and we never have time where its just the two of us. I really can't say. I do care about this person and I don't want her to think that I don't. She is my best friend. Maybe we just need some time apart to think things through and see what we both want. I would really hate to end this friendship that has lasted 19 years. I feel so sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I feel like I am going to explode at any minute. Like I said, all we've done is fought. Its always through some form of electronic though. We've never actually sat down and talked about it. So whenever are are together after a fight we just act like it didn't happen and I know that's not healthy. Maybe it would be best that we talked about it in person. I just hope that it wouldn't make things worse. I really do want to fix this. Make our friendship how it was a few years ago. I admit that I probably haven't been the best of friend lately, but I can't really say that its all my fault. I react to how I feel I am being treated. I feel as though I am being treated like shit, so I will then do the same. I know it's not the best thing to do, but that's all I know how to do. I haven't really accepted this friends numerous apologies either. Maybe its because that deep down I'm afraid that maybe it won't work with what I said to this person to get an apology. I can talk and talk, but am I being heard? Is anything being done? Will this end badly? God I hope not.

I admit that I am a bit of a bitch. But, can you really blame me? Look at how things have always gone in my life when it comes to friends and family. I have been shit on by too many friends. Maybe that's what I am afraid of what's happening with my best friend. Who knows. No one can get into this head. I feel like there are two sides of me. Parts of my think it would be best to end this friendship, but more of me wants to patch things up and fix this friendship. I just wish that this person would come to me. I come to her when there is a problem. Why not do the same? Oh well, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.

Painfully Conflicted,

Alisha

In A Funk.

There is really no purpose for this blog. I just feel like typing. Well, maybe there is a purpose. Every once in awhile I get in these moods where I don't want to be near anyone or anything. I really hate when I get in these moods because I don't know how to get out of them. These moods just hit me all of a sudden. I just want to stay in my room and do nothing. Not talk to anyone or do anything. My mom always tells me that she thinks I have depression and maybe she's right, I don't know. All I know right now is that I feel like I am annoying everyone and I am getting way too annoyed and being somewhat sensitive about somethings. I am also in a funk because I don't know where I am going in my life and I am 24 years old.

A few of my friends are graduating from 4 year colleges and I'm sitting here kicking myself because I could have graduated 2 almost 3 times in the 4 or 5 years they have been in college. (they are younger than me) I would like to go back to school so I am not in some crap job for the rest of my life, but you have to have money for that and you have to be approved for college loans and I don't qualify for financial aid. I just feel like a huge disappointment to my family, because here I am at 24 and I've done nothing.

Maybe moving to NYC next year will help me. Maybe I need a change of scenery. Who knows. Maybe one day it will hit me with what I REALLY want to do. Right now I want to do so many things and I haven't taken a step toward a damn thing.

Maybe I just need to go off the grid for a few days because I am trying to help and be there for so many people and I'm not doing anything for myself. Maybe I'm just being a baby about this whole thing. Maybe I should just end this entry and try again tomorrow. ....Maybe.

Later

I'm Just Going To Start Writing and See Where It Takes Me....

Note: I really don't know what to write, but a certain someone keeps telling me to blog so I am doing it anyway. I don't think that this blog will have any certain theme so bare with my rambling.


Ok, maybe I lied. Maybe I will make this entry in dedication to all the the people I have in my life. So, lets start at the beginning.

Emily: I know she won't read this, but here goes it. I have known this crazy bitch for almost 19 years. She was 3 and I was 6. Needless to say that is when hell started to rumble. It knew that the trouble that we would bring in the future. She is a pain in my ass and I may bitch about her, but I really don't know what I would do if I wasn't friends with her. She is the annoying little sister that I am glad I never had. We have a lot in common and I think that's what makes our friendship stick.

Sarah: Hmmm maybe she will read this. (If I link her) I have known Sarah a little over a year now. I talk to her daily and I'm pretty sure that I would feel loss if I didn't talk to her everyday. There are very few people that I have met online and have truly felt connected too. Like I said, I have only known her a little over a year and I feel like I have known her for longer. She's funny, sweet, and always caring. Plus, she listens to what people have to say. I can't wait to have her as my roommate when we move to NYC.

Ally: I know this bitch will read this because she has been bugging me to blog for awhile now. Well, here you go, hoe! Hmmm where do I start (and finish) with Ally. This is one crazy bitch. For living so far apart we have WAY too much in common. From our step-dad's having the same name to our cats being identical twins. Ally is my twin that is 5 years older then me. We've just stopped asking the other things because we know the other one will like or dislike that thing. I also talk to Ally everyday. She might be one person that I allow to call me a hoe and get away with it. (besides Sarah) I know its with love when they call me a hoe.

I really have too much to say about these 3 ladies. Maybe in the future I will do longer and individual posts for all 3 of them. Until then this is all you get. I hope you enjoy.

<3 AJ

A Long Long Time Ago.....

Yes, I know it's been a long time since my last post. So sue me! I haven't really been up too much. I did turn 24 5 days ago. I am not enjoying the idea of being in my mid-twenties now. I feel a quarter century crisis coming on. Anyway moving on....

I really have no idea why I haven't blogged in a few months. I think I out blogged myself that night I wrote 3 entries. That was the last time. Also, I'm pretty sure only 2 people read my blog and one of them I have to make read it. I'm looking at you Sarah. Love ya anyway!

I really have no idea what to talk about. I blame my absence from being a regular blogger. I have all of these ideas and I can't handle it. Maybe I will write another one tonight....maybe. I think someone should force me to blog more often.

Ok, ta ta for now.

<3 alisha

PS. My next blog will be for my twin.

100 Facts About Me

1. My name is Alisha
2. My middle name is Jayne.
3. I have the most German sounding last name that you will EVER hear. Ok, maybe not.
4. I was born April 21, after being a month late and almost dying.
5. I have a brother who is 2 years and 7 months younger than me.
6. My father died when I was 5 from complications of drugs and alcohol. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He died the day after his 33rd birthday.
7. My mom held me back in 4th grade because I had a 'D' in math.
8. My mom got remarried 6 months after my dad died and I resented her for it for a very long time.
9. My dad wanted to name me Jayne after Jayne Mansfield, but my mom said it was to plain so it became my middle name. HUGE DOWNER!
10. I graduated high school with a 3.6 GPA
11. I have a sister who is 46 (47 in May)
12. I have a brother who is 42. (43 in August)
13. I have 3 nephews. 25, 22, and 3.
14. I curse a lot. I mean A LOT!!!
15. I'm afraid of failing.
16. My all time favorite actress is Judy Garland. She is the best!
17. I despise rap music.
18. I mainly listen to music from before 1970.
19. I want to live in NYC in the next year.
20. I was in a bad car accident 7 years ago and had a really bad concussion from it that kept me out of school for some time.
21. My 21st birthday sucked.
22. I never say "I Love You"back to people when they say it to me. Nor will I say it first.
23. I am not good in relationships. When I feel things are getting too close I end the relationship. I have commitment issues.
24. I have an absolute fear of heights. I can't even stand on a step ladder without freaking out.
25. I have a fear of whipped cream. Yes, whipped cream.
26. I am extremely hard headed and will not listen to anyone.
27. I have a horrible temper when its provoked. My mom says I get it from my father. If I get pissed off you better watch the hell out.
28. Other than anger I really don't show emotions. I mean yes I'll laugh but who doesn't. I never cry. I have a brick wall that's so high that if it ever gets knocked down I'll have to put in an institute.
29. My mom is also a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for 19 years now. i don't drink a lot because of my parents history with alcohol.
30. I am afraid to have kids because I don't want to be like my mom with my kids.
31. No matter how hard I try nothing is ever good enough.
32. There is so much I want to do in my life that I don't know where to start.
33. I own over 200 DVD's.
34. I love to read and will basically read anything.
35. I love to write, but I am currently having writers block.
36. This isn't as hard as I thought it would be.
37. I went to Catholic School for 9 years.
38. I hated going to public school and wish I had gone to catholic high school.
39. I try to be a good friend, but I don’t know how I’m doing at it.
40. Ok, maybe this is harder than I thought it would be.
41. I have known my best friend for 18 years.
42. I went to Minnesota last summer without telling anyone in my family.
43. I’m pretty sure that when I move out I will never go home unless its for a holiday or an emergency.
44. I am a very random person. Just ask Sarah (Ilovethemountains) who talks to me a lot.
45. I am super sensitive to coffee and even one cup will keep me up all night.
46. I don’t have a close relationship with my mom and never have.
47. I try to live life to the fullest.
48. I’ve had a lot of celebrity encounters in my life.
49. Liza Minnelli always makes me laugh and puts me in a good mood when I am angry.
50. Lorna Luft is the first real celebrity I ever met. If you don’t know who she is then you suck!
51. I basically love all crime shows. Law & Order: SVU is my all-time favorite.
52. Musicals are the best kind of movies.
53. Vincente Minnelli had a HUGE impact in my life and directed 3 of my favorite movies as a child.
54. I was about 2 years old when I first saw “The Wizard of Oz” and that’s when all hell broke loose.
55. I kind of hate talking about myself.
56. I am currently re-obsessed with “I Love Lucy”
57. I love classic TV.
58. I am a great aunt at 23 years old.
59. I have a cat who is my life. He is the best cat ever.
60. I am closer to a few people I’ve met online then I am with people I know in real life.
61. I try to not judge people on their appearance and more or their personality. I’ve become A LOT better with age.
61. I believe in equal rights for everyone.
62. I am very liberal.
63. I am a smoker and I need to quit…..for good.
64. I’ve never been to the SVU set and I don’t see it happening this season. (Considering they are almost done filming.)
65. I miss having a dog and I wish I was able to get another one.
66. Tomorrow (March 21st) is a month until my 24th birthday.
67. I don’t see me making it to 100 facts about me because I am getting tired of it now.
68. I am the biggest bullshitter you will ever meet.
69. I hate when people take me seriously.
70. I am a class clown.
71. I was extremely shy until I was about 17 years old. Now I have no volume level.
72. I am currently watching Shameless. It’s freaking hilarious! I love it.
73. I hate when people say pop and not soda.
74. I hate living in Delaware. I think its boring.
75. People tend to tell me that I have big boobs. I do not approve of this.
76. I thought that I was 5’3” for the longest time, and then last year I found out that I am actually 5.5”. It was a HUGE moment in my life. lol
77. I do not approve of racism or any kind.
78. My mom was in labor with me for 47 hours. Lol
79. All the big male family members in my family died by the time I was 15. My great grandfather outlived both of my grandfathers.
80. I hate what people’s voices sound like when they first wake up.
81. I HATE SNORING!
82. I will never become use to the cold weather even though I live in Delaware where we have normal seasons.
83. “Designing Woman” was better than “The Golden Girls” even though I loved both shows.
84. I will not hold back. I will tell you off in a second.
85. I always know where everything is. Whether its mine or not. I just always pay attention to my surroundings.
86. I am in desperate need of new glasses. I haven’t had new glasses in 7 years.
87. I was born in 1987.
88. Eventhough I am 23 people always think that I am no older than 18 or they think that I am older than 25. People suck at telling peoples ages.
89. My longest relationship with a guy is 2 months and that wasn’t all at one time.
90. WOOTWOOT! 10 more to go.
91. I drive a 2005 SXT Limited Edition Dodge Neon.
92. My first car was a 1997 Chevy Cavalier.
93. I met one of my best friends in the guidance counselors office when I was in 8th grade.
94. I played basketball when I was in 6th grade.
95. I took ballet when I was younger for about 2 years and I wish that I was able to continue it.
96. I use to be able to ice skate and roller skate and now I can’t do either.
97. I am extremely clumsy and will trip over air and run into anything.
98. Even my closest friends don’t know everything about me.
99. I took piano for 2 years, but I quit when I couldn’t learn to read music.
100. I never thought that I would be able to come up with 100 facts about me. It took me 2 hours, but I did it and that is a HUGE accomplishment!

Learning From The Past

I'm not going to say I had the best childhood and I'm not going to say I had the worst. It falls somewhere in the middle. I had a purgatory childhood. I seriously feel like I was in limbo as a kid. My parents (mom and step-dad) were very strict. They both had bad tempers and no patience for my brother and I. If you did one thing out of line, it was over. Don't even think about spilling a glass of milk at the dinner table because all hell will break loose. Can you imagine being about 4 and spilling your milk and both of your parents start screaming at you? It's called an accident for a reason!

Whenever my brother and I would get in trouble we would get EVERYTHING taken away along with being put in timeout. So, we'd get timeout for however long they thought was necessary, grounded for however long they felt was necessary, (pretty sure I'm still grounded) phone, TV, radio, and anything else they could take a way was taken away. We weren't even allowed to sit on our beds when we weren't sleeping. By the way, I am laying on my bed while typing this.

It's no secret that my mom and I don't have the best relationship. We have our moments, but most of the time we are yelling at each other and hating each other. No matter what I do, it's wrong. Its been like that for as long as I can remember. No matter what my brother did, it was always my fault. My parents were also big on smacking. Parents were actually allowed to do that once. I'm not going to say how bad it was, but one can imagine. Rings on fingers don't connect well with teeth when you are little.

As I've gotten older I wonder if my parents thought this is how you build character in children. By strict parenting and making you child or children act like adults when they aren't. What I've learned from this is, that its not normal to parent like this. I have friends who have AMAZING relationships with their parents. I'm not going to lie. I'm jealous of this. I wish I had an amazing relationship with my parents. My step-dad and I get along fine now, but from the time I was 5-17 we hated each other and neither of us hid it from the other. I think I resented him because he was trying to be my father and thats not what I wanted. I actually wanted to have my father here. No child should lose a parent so young or at any age. I often wonder what it would be like he was still alive. Would he be sober or would he be doing the same shit that killed him almost 19 years ago.

Anyway, my one step at a time theory is......take what you have learned and use it to make you grow. I have used my childhood to allow me to NOT make the same mistakes as my parents did. I will not be the parent that they were. I will allow my children (if I am able to have them) to be children. Children are meant to make mistakes and they learn from them. You have to give them the space to grow and learn.

Along with all of this my mom also made me into a very independent person. I do thank her for that because I don't want anyone telling me what to do. I enjoy being on my own and not being tied down.

Lastly, I leave you with this quote. "The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can." - Robert Cushing

<3 AJ

My Nutshell: Fears

Some things everyone should know about me....

- I was born a month late and almost died when my mom was in labor.

- I was in a terrible car accident when I was 17 and I suffer from memory loss.

- I am extremely hard headed and will not listen to anyone.

- I will not take pain medicine unless I have too. Fear of becoming an addict like my father.

- I have a horrible temper when its provoked. My mom says I get it from my father. If I get pissed off you better watch the hell out.

- Other than anger I really don't show emotions. I mean yes I'll laugh but who doesn't. I never cry. I have a brick wall that's so high that if it ever gets knocked down I'll have to put in an institute.

- My father died when I was 5 from complications of drugs and alcohol. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He died the day after his 33rd birthday.

- My mom is also a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for 19 years now.

- I have an absolute fear of heights. I can't even stand on a step ladder without freaking out.

- I have a fear of whipped cream. Yes, whipped cream.

- I am not good in relationships. When I feel things are getting too close I end the relationship. I have commitment issues.

- My mom has never shown any real affection towards me so in return I don't really know how to show it.

- I never say "I Love You" back to people when they say it to me. Nor will I say it first.

- My mom always tells me that I am exactly like my father. Except for my temper and my looks I am nothing like him.

- I am afraid to have kids because I don't want to be like my mom with my kids.

- My mom married my step-dad only 7 months after my dad died and I still resent her for it.

- No matter how hard I try nothing is never good enough.

- I am afraid that I will never go anywhere in life.



<3 AJ

Her Final Curtain

Again, I wrote this when I was 18. This is for my favorite actress, Judy Garland. Lame

As she stands there and watches
the curtain begins to lower.
is this the end
do they think she is cowered?

One last song before she leaves the room
hoping just once her life is not doomed.
people are watching, on the edge of there seats
when she is done they stand to their feet.

She belts out the song
her spirits so high
what made her want to die?

Her fans adore her
her children are there
is this the end
or is it just starting

When the song is over
she walks off the stage
with tears in her eyes
and weight on her shoulders.

Her children hug her
and she thinks to herself
this is what its about
with love in her heart.

They are her life
she doesn't want it to end
They need her in their life
As much now as they did then.

So Close

I wrote this when I was 18. Don't judge me! Memory from when I was 3.



When I was young
not much older then three
I walked into the kitchen
and what did I see

Mommy standing there
with tears in her eyes
daddys hands around her throat
and murder in his eyes.

I was so afraid of you
waiting to see what you would do
would you kill my mommy
would you come for me too?

Standing there with my blankie and bear
would this be it, thinking "would I be alone?"
baby in the other room sleeping so light
does he hear this big fight?

Quietly I turn and walk back to see
would this be the last time I'd see my mommy.
Daddy let go and walk out the door
slowly my mommy slid to the floor.

Why do my parents fight so much
did I do this to them?
they love me so much.

I want you to know I love you a lot
was it me that made him this hot?
I know you got married because you were with child
but there are other ways this could have been of handled.

Get away mommy, leave daddy right now
I know you can handle it
you're stronger than that

We left my daddy
as happy as can be
Bill is my father
and he loves us three.

What the HELL is wrong with kids today

To say that kids are rude would be an understatement. I have come across some of the most ill mannered and disrespectful children in the past 3 years than I have in my life. I don't think I ever remember children acting like this when I was a kid. Yes, we had a few rude and disrespectful kids here and there, but today it seems that there are more rude kids than there are nice kids. Do parents not teach their children manners or how to respect others? No, they don't. It is easier to place them in front of a TV and allow them to do whatever the hell they want. Parents today don't want to be "bothered" with their kids. Here's a question for you, If you don't to be bothered or take the time to teach your child how to act, than what was the point in having kids? Clearly it was something you thought you HAD to do. Newsflash, its not written that you HAVE to have children. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

Now, I know its not always the parent(s) fault with the way their child or children act. I have seen some kids come from broken homes and one parent has them on a schedule and disciplines them. Then they go to their other parents house and they are allowed to do whatever they want and have no discipline. Parents in this situation need to come together and discipline their child and have the same rules. It only confuses the child when they are in this situation.

Also, I think a lot of what is on TV makes kids think that they can do whatever they want. They think that if so-and-so is allowed to do whatever they want on TV than they should be allowed too. This is not the case. Parents need to limit what their child watches on TV. I know its harder to screen TV shows these days than when I was a kid, but it is possible to do. Also parents, do not allow your child to sit in front of the TV all day long. Send them outside to play or better yet, spend time with them. You know, like talking to them, going out with them, or even just being in the same room with them. It's not going to kill you to spend time with your kids.

I bet you are probably wondering what brought this "topic" on. Well, this is why. I was driving home from work last night and as I was going through my neighborhood I saw a group of 8-10 year olds out. Mind you it was about 10:30 at this time and it was really dark. I am driving and they are in the middle of the street. They see my car and begrudgingly move out of the way. I look at them and the "tough guy" of the group, who had to be about 9, yells at me "What the fuck are you looking at?" My jaw dropped. I couldn't even fathom saying that when I was 9.

That got me to thinking....

1.) What are children this age doing out this late at night. Pretty sure when I was their age I had been in bed for an hour by the time it was 10:30.

2.) Are they hearing this language from their parents and that makes them think its OK to say to people?

3.) Are kids spending more time in front of the TV watching whatever they want and thats where they are learning this language.

Finally....

4.) Or has our society resorted to just not caring about the youth of this country?

Whether its one of those reasons or all of them, I think that more needs to be done to start educating and teaching kids what is right and what is wrong. We shouldn't have 9 year olds thinking its OK to cuss out strangers. Let alone ones who are older than them. One of these days they will say something to the wrong person and they won't be as lucky as they were with me.

Anyway, whether its the parents fault or simply just the child, I think more needs to be done with the way that children are acting these days.

Please comment. I'd love to hear what you think.

<3 AJ

Celebrity Stalking is NOT ok!

I have noticed lately that people have an issue with stalking celebrities. Whether it be online or in person. I just want to know what makes people think that it is OK. Are you that desperate to be noticed that you have to bother the same celebrity over and over? Must you tweet the person several times a day? Must you go and "visit" them on set whenever you have a day off from school? Going every month does not make you cool. That makes you a stalker. You do NOT have to go to set every month. Its just weird. And when you say "OMG she recognized me!" Newsflash! Thats not always a good thing! They probably remember you because you go there too much and you scare the hell out of them. Here's an idea, BACK OFF! They don't want you there as much as you want to be there.

OK, I know I probably sound harsh, but here's the thing. There are too many kids/fans out there that think that going to set, tweeting, or writing celebs is the best thing ever. That's fine to an extent. How often do you do it? Do you visit set once every 6-12 months? Or do you do it once every 6-12 days? Do you tweet a celeb once every 1000 tweets? Or do you do it once every 5- 10 tweets? Lastly, do you write a celeb once during the span of your interest in them? Or do you it until you make sure you get a response from said actor or actress? Do you know how busy they are? I love the fans that get mad when the actor/actress doesn't reply back to them. Do you know how busy they are? I love when a fan finally does get a response and they start freaking out. I want to say, "Yes, they replied to you, but its because you tweet that person 20 times a day.

Here is how you should act around a celebrity:

1. Don't force things to happen. Just let it play out the way it is suppose too. If its meant to happen it will happen. Following them around won't do your reputation any good.

2. Be yourself when you meet them. There is nothing a celebrity hates more than an obnoxious and creepy fan on their hands. Just stay calm and talk about normal things. Don't start spurting things out about what you want to happen on a show that said actor or actress is in.

3. Do NOT take a million things to be signed. Take only a few things to be signed. When I say a few, I mean 3 things. That is plenty. Plus, do you really want to be lugging around a bunch of stuff with you all day?

4. After meeting a celebrity don't start acting like you are best friends. Its annoying.

I could probably go on about this for hours, but I don't want to bore you all. Just remember that when you are writing, tweeting, or meeting a celeb to be yourself. Stay calm and think before you speak. Oh, and no need to feel the need to "visit" them 4 times a month or more. That only makes you look bad. Keep it simple and go less often if you so desperately need to go.

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The So-Called Christians

If there is one thing that I cannot stand, it is Christians that think that are higher than everyone. Just because you go to church weekly does not mean that you are above everyone else. It has been my experience over the years that some Christians, not all, are the biggest hypocrites. They stand around preaching about how people should not have sex before marriage, and if you are gay you are going to go to hell. Well, guess what God didn't give you the right to decide what was right and what was wrong. Don't tell me that its in the Bible either because that is just bullshit. The "bible beaters" are the ones that really piss me the hell off because you know they are the ones that are doing the same things that everyone else is doing. The "bible beaters" are just the onces that go to church weekly and confess their sins. Which automatically makes it right, right? WRONG! That doesn't make it right. That just makes you a hypocrite.

Another thing that really pisses me off about Christians is that they say that "everything happens for a reason." "I got a F on my test. I guess it was God's will" No you asshole! You didn't study and thats why you got a F! So, are you telling that if I was raped or sexually assaulted that it was "God's will" that it was meant to happen? If that's the case than you have a lot of explaining to do to all the women out there that have been raped or sexually assaulted over the years. Try telling them that it was "meant to happen" or that it was "God's will"

Lastly, do not tell me that because someone is gay that they are going to hell. I know a lot of gay people and they are the some of the nicest and sweetest people I know. They would do anything for their friends and family. The fact that you want to damn them to hell because of their sexual orientation really pisses me off. I am sure a lot of people want you in hell based solely on your beliefs. I know I am one of them. Again, you have no right to judge people. You are no better than anyone else in the world. Oh, and just because someone is gay and they talk to you doesn't mean that they are hitting on you or that you will "become" gay. You don't "become" gay. You are born that way. They are people just like you and I.

As you can see this is on subject that pisses me off. I could go on hours about this and I am sure that in the future I will, but this is just a preview. A friend of mind posted something tonight that really pissed my best friend and I off. We ranted for a little and I decided to make a post about it. As a Catholic and someone who attended catholic school for 9 years I can tell you that I am the last person that would push my beliefs on anyone. I also judge no one. I accept everyone for who they are. Looks do not matter to me. Its whats on the inside that counts.

Alisha Jayne

3:36am is always a good time to update your blog....

I've alway wondered why people blog daily. As you can tell I am not very good at that. You are lucky if I update it once every six months. If you really want to know what I am up to follow me at FearlessJayne on twitter.

Anyway, a lot of shit has gone down in social networking land. I lost a "friend" over something on Tumblr. She's still claiming that she didn't post anything on my Tumblr. Oh well, it was nice knowing you while it lasted. Carry on with your crazy new "friend of the moment."

I really don't know what to write so I decided that I would just ramble about nonsense.

How about a game of word association with social networking sites.....

Facebook: The biggest bullshit website out there. Its nothing but a bunch of 12 and 13 year olds pretending to be grown ups. We don't care if you have to walk your dog and color a picture for class. Talk about real stuff. Can we please go back to when it was only high school and college kids allowed and you had to be invited by someone who was already on Facebook?

Twitter: The best site ever, but it does have its moments. Like when all the crazies decide to come out at once and attack people that don't believe in the same things as they do. There are so many that intentionally offend others too. Are you that unhappy with yourself that you have to put others down? If so, you need some serious help and should probably go see someone about that. Don't intentionally hurt others for sport. ITS NOT COOL!

Tumblr: Basically like Twitter only with pictures. People use this site to post pictures of everything they are obsessed with. At first I thought this was the dumbest site ever! Over time I learned to love it. I am not obsessed like some people. I can actually go days and weeks at a time without GOING CRAZY because I am not checking it every 5 minutes. People also like to use this site to ask each other random questions. Sometimes to even insult people.

Myspace: Do people even use this anymore? Its even more lame than Facebook.

There are so many more websites that I could list and pick apart, but I really don't feel like doing that right now. So I leave you with the ones that I did.

It is what it is.

Take 2

As you all can tell, I really fail at blogging. I am going to try and do better now that I have a laptop. I'm sure that it will make my life easier. Not much has gone on this past year. I work all the time and hangout with my friends. I basically do anything so that I don't have to be home with my family. Being at home with my family is seriously my least favorite thing in the world. When I am home I sit in my room and watch TV and surf the web. Do people still say surf the web? Oh well.

Hmmm lets see how we can spice up my blog?

I never really know what to write. I can't just pick a topic and go from that. I have to be in the mood to right. Usually thats when I am in a really bad mood. Which I am NOT at the moment. Earlier would have been better for me to make a post.

In the last year I have been to Minnesota for The Judy Garland Festival, worked more than needed, didn't go to the beach as much as I would have liked too, and became WAY to obsessed with Law & Order: SVU. I have always loved the show. I've been watching it since season 2. It was just over the last year that I have really grown to love it. With that I bought all the seasons of SVU in about 2 months time. Yes, I realize I need a life. I just couldn't help myself though. Obviously this is an issue. Season 12 is turning out to be one of my favorite seasons though.

Moving on......I've started back at the gym again. I would love to be able to lose 20-30 pounds before summer. Because lets face it, no one wants to see me on the beach in a bathing suit. Just put me in a mu-mu and stick me under an umbrella and shield your eyes from my general direction. OK, I'm not that bad. I just really want to be able to enjoy the summer at the beach and be able to wear cute clothes without people looking at me and being like "Why is she wearing clothes like that when they don't even look cute on her?" As you can tell I have self-esteem issues, but more about that later.

OK, I really don't know what else to write at the moment. I am however saving this to my bookmarks so that I remember that I have a blog and update it at least once a week. I would say once a month, but that would be ask too much from me. And that my friends is my first very bipolar entry since a year ago.

Enjoy!

A