LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT....I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR PEOPLE. I HAVE NEVER TOLD PEOPLE HOW TO RUN THEIR LIVES. WHY SHOULD I LET PEOPLE DO THAT TO ME. I'M NOT GOING TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY LIFE AND MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME. YES, MY FIANCE STARTS SOME PRETTY FUCKING STUPID ARGUMENTS, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW THAT TO STOP ME. I LOVE THE MAN AND I DO WANT TO MARRY HIM. PEOPLE FIGHT. PEOPLE ARGUE. WHY SHOULD THIS BE ANY DIFFERENT? I HAVE KNOWN THE MAN FOR 6 YEARS AND WE HAVE NEVER FOUGHT. YES, I REALIZE THAT WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 STRAIGHT YEARS, BUT WHY SHOULD THAT MATTER? WHY SHOULD I LET THAT DETER ME FROM MARRYING HIM? IF YOU CANNOT SUPPORT ME THAN I WILL SHOW YOU THE DOOR. I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO LET IT SLAM YOU IN THE ASS AS YOU WALK OUT OF IT. YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME. SOMETIMES THERE ARE BUMPS IN THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT IN ORDER TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP BETTER. IF ARGUING IS THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT, FINE! SOMETIMES ITS THE SAME PETTY ARGUMENT. AND THAT IS JUST WHAT IT IS, PETTY!
ANYWAY, WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS, FOR ONCE I AM GOING TO TAKE CHARGE OF MY LIFE AND MAKE MY OWN DECISONS. I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO ANYONE. I AM GOING TO FOLLOW MY HEART. IF THIS ISN'T WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO BE DOING THEN I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT. UNTIL THEN THERE IS NOTHING STOPPING ME FROM MARRYING THIS MAN. PEOPLE FIGHT AND THAN THEY GET OVER IT. THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. I'M JUST ASKING THAT PEOPLE SUPPORT ME IN ANY DECISION THAT I MAKE. IF YOU CAN'T THEN I AM SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY. FOR ONCE THIS IS GOING TO BE ABOUT ME! I AM GOING TO TAKE ACTION OF MY LIFE. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T AGREE CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES. THE END!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
....Is it too much to ask?
Hello again. Yes, it IS time for another late night blog. I don't nearly blog enough, but there is something that's really been bugging me and I need to get it off my chest. So, here goes nothing.
Recently I feel that I've been "expecting" too much from people. I am ALWAYS there for people. I stay up to all hours trying to help people, yet when I have an issue I feel as though that people suddenly have "better things to do" and do not have the time to do the same for me. Sorry, I am not a dumping ground. You cannot expect me to be there for you and than not be there for me. I am not as strong as I may seem. I need JUST as much help as the next person. And sorry, but when I am telling you something "damn" and "that sucks" does nothing. It does not make me feel better. It makes me feel that you would rather be doing other things then listening to my problems. So, from now on when I say that something is wrong just tell me that you don't want to hear it and I will "gladly" go to another form of communication and find someone that actually want's to listen to me. Or I will just write about it hear and make you feel like shit because you are the worst friend ever! I feel like this is a good time to mention that this ISN'T directed towards any one person. This is for the several assholes in my life that always want MY help and NEVER want to help me. THANK YOU! It really means a lot to me that people I thought were my friends could really care less. So, please go back to your regularly scheduled programs and your "better things to do" and don't even bother listening to my problems. I have now learned NOT to expect too much from the people in my life.
On a side note: thank you to the ones that ARE always there for me. Know that you are few and far between.
AR
Recently I feel that I've been "expecting" too much from people. I am ALWAYS there for people. I stay up to all hours trying to help people, yet when I have an issue I feel as though that people suddenly have "better things to do" and do not have the time to do the same for me. Sorry, I am not a dumping ground. You cannot expect me to be there for you and than not be there for me. I am not as strong as I may seem. I need JUST as much help as the next person. And sorry, but when I am telling you something "damn" and "that sucks" does nothing. It does not make me feel better. It makes me feel that you would rather be doing other things then listening to my problems. So, from now on when I say that something is wrong just tell me that you don't want to hear it and I will "gladly" go to another form of communication and find someone that actually want's to listen to me. Or I will just write about it hear and make you feel like shit because you are the worst friend ever! I feel like this is a good time to mention that this ISN'T directed towards any one person. This is for the several assholes in my life that always want MY help and NEVER want to help me. THANK YOU! It really means a lot to me that people I thought were my friends could really care less. So, please go back to your regularly scheduled programs and your "better things to do" and don't even bother listening to my problems. I have now learned NOT to expect too much from the people in my life.
On a side note: thank you to the ones that ARE always there for me. Know that you are few and far between.
AR
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Life Has Never Been This Bad.
For 19 years I've had this friend, this friend who's been there through thick and thin, but recently she has not been there and I don't know how much longer I can take. I am constantly depressed, it hurts to eat, my stomach constantly hurts, and I feel as though this friendship ending has been harder on me then its been for her. I can't function and all I want to do is cry. I am NOT this person.
Last night I tried to talk to her via AIM and I was ignored. Which is only proving that everything I said was right. I will take no excuses. Anything at this point would just be awkward. Its been so long that I feel like we could never pick up where we left off. Life as friends would never be the same. I hate feeling this way. I have NEVER felt like this. Does this mean I am actually a normal person? Whatever normal is. I can't continue to feel like this. Its not healthy. I don't know anyway around it. I can't deal with my feelings like a normal person, because I've never really had any feelings. I thought that she would be in my life forever. I know now that I was wrong and nothing can ever change that.
I can't even end this blog because I am so upset. Stay tuned.
Last night I tried to talk to her via AIM and I was ignored. Which is only proving that everything I said was right. I will take no excuses. Anything at this point would just be awkward. Its been so long that I feel like we could never pick up where we left off. Life as friends would never be the same. I hate feeling this way. I have NEVER felt like this. Does this mean I am actually a normal person? Whatever normal is. I can't continue to feel like this. Its not healthy. I don't know anyway around it. I can't deal with my feelings like a normal person, because I've never really had any feelings. I thought that she would be in my life forever. I know now that I was wrong and nothing can ever change that.
I can't even end this blog because I am so upset. Stay tuned.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Unshed Tears: An Informal Apology (of sorts)
I'm so conflicted right now. I have this friend who I really care about, but I have no idea what is going on in our friendship. We have known each other for 19 years and never has it been this bad. We fight so much now and maybe its my fault, who knows. All I know is that we aren't the same that we use to be. Things get in the way. Not so much people, but things do. Maybe its because we are always with other people now and we never have time where its just the two of us. I really can't say. I do care about this person and I don't want her to think that I don't. She is my best friend. Maybe we just need some time apart to think things through and see what we both want. I would really hate to end this friendship that has lasted 19 years. I feel so sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I feel like I am going to explode at any minute. Like I said, all we've done is fought. Its always through some form of electronic though. We've never actually sat down and talked about it. So whenever are are together after a fight we just act like it didn't happen and I know that's not healthy. Maybe it would be best that we talked about it in person. I just hope that it wouldn't make things worse. I really do want to fix this. Make our friendship how it was a few years ago. I admit that I probably haven't been the best of friend lately, but I can't really say that its all my fault. I react to how I feel I am being treated. I feel as though I am being treated like shit, so I will then do the same. I know it's not the best thing to do, but that's all I know how to do. I haven't really accepted this friends numerous apologies either. Maybe its because that deep down I'm afraid that maybe it won't work with what I said to this person to get an apology. I can talk and talk, but am I being heard? Is anything being done? Will this end badly? God I hope not.
I admit that I am a bit of a bitch. But, can you really blame me? Look at how things have always gone in my life when it comes to friends and family. I have been shit on by too many friends. Maybe that's what I am afraid of what's happening with my best friend. Who knows. No one can get into this head. I feel like there are two sides of me. Parts of my think it would be best to end this friendship, but more of me wants to patch things up and fix this friendship. I just wish that this person would come to me. I come to her when there is a problem. Why not do the same? Oh well, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.
Painfully Conflicted,
Alisha
I admit that I am a bit of a bitch. But, can you really blame me? Look at how things have always gone in my life when it comes to friends and family. I have been shit on by too many friends. Maybe that's what I am afraid of what's happening with my best friend. Who knows. No one can get into this head. I feel like there are two sides of me. Parts of my think it would be best to end this friendship, but more of me wants to patch things up and fix this friendship. I just wish that this person would come to me. I come to her when there is a problem. Why not do the same? Oh well, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.
Painfully Conflicted,
Alisha
Thursday, May 5, 2011
In A Funk.
There is really no purpose for this blog. I just feel like typing. Well, maybe there is a purpose. Every once in awhile I get in these moods where I don't want to be near anyone or anything. I really hate when I get in these moods because I don't know how to get out of them. These moods just hit me all of a sudden. I just want to stay in my room and do nothing. Not talk to anyone or do anything. My mom always tells me that she thinks I have depression and maybe she's right, I don't know. All I know right now is that I feel like I am annoying everyone and I am getting way too annoyed and being somewhat sensitive about somethings. I am also in a funk because I don't know where I am going in my life and I am 24 years old.
A few of my friends are graduating from 4 year colleges and I'm sitting here kicking myself because I could have graduated 2 almost 3 times in the 4 or 5 years they have been in college. (they are younger than me) I would like to go back to school so I am not in some crap job for the rest of my life, but you have to have money for that and you have to be approved for college loans and I don't qualify for financial aid. I just feel like a huge disappointment to my family, because here I am at 24 and I've done nothing.
Maybe moving to NYC next year will help me. Maybe I need a change of scenery. Who knows. Maybe one day it will hit me with what I REALLY want to do. Right now I want to do so many things and I haven't taken a step toward a damn thing.
Maybe I just need to go off the grid for a few days because I am trying to help and be there for so many people and I'm not doing anything for myself. Maybe I'm just being a baby about this whole thing. Maybe I should just end this entry and try again tomorrow. ....Maybe.
Later
A few of my friends are graduating from 4 year colleges and I'm sitting here kicking myself because I could have graduated 2 almost 3 times in the 4 or 5 years they have been in college. (they are younger than me) I would like to go back to school so I am not in some crap job for the rest of my life, but you have to have money for that and you have to be approved for college loans and I don't qualify for financial aid. I just feel like a huge disappointment to my family, because here I am at 24 and I've done nothing.
Maybe moving to NYC next year will help me. Maybe I need a change of scenery. Who knows. Maybe one day it will hit me with what I REALLY want to do. Right now I want to do so many things and I haven't taken a step toward a damn thing.
Maybe I just need to go off the grid for a few days because I am trying to help and be there for so many people and I'm not doing anything for myself. Maybe I'm just being a baby about this whole thing. Maybe I should just end this entry and try again tomorrow. ....Maybe.
Later
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I'm Just Going To Start Writing and See Where It Takes Me....
Note: I really don't know what to write, but a certain someone keeps telling me to blog so I am doing it anyway. I don't think that this blog will have any certain theme so bare with my rambling.
Ok, maybe I lied. Maybe I will make this entry in dedication to all the the people I have in my life. So, lets start at the beginning.
Emily: I know she won't read this, but here goes it. I have known this crazy bitch for almost 19 years. She was 3 and I was 6. Needless to say that is when hell started to rumble. It knew that the trouble that we would bring in the future. She is a pain in my ass and I may bitch about her, but I really don't know what I would do if I wasn't friends with her. She is the annoying little sister that I am glad I never had. We have a lot in common and I think that's what makes our friendship stick.
Sarah: Hmmm maybe she will read this. (If I link her) I have known Sarah a little over a year now. I talk to her daily and I'm pretty sure that I would feel loss if I didn't talk to her everyday. There are very few people that I have met online and have truly felt connected too. Like I said, I have only known her a little over a year and I feel like I have known her for longer. She's funny, sweet, and always caring. Plus, she listens to what people have to say. I can't wait to have her as my roommate when we move to NYC.
Ally: I know this bitch will read this because she has been bugging me to blog for awhile now. Well, here you go, hoe! Hmmm where do I start (and finish) with Ally. This is one crazy bitch. For living so far apart we have WAY too much in common. From our step-dad's having the same name to our cats being identical twins. Ally is my twin that is 5 years older then me. We've just stopped asking the other things because we know the other one will like or dislike that thing. I also talk to Ally everyday. She might be one person that I allow to call me a hoe and get away with it. (besides Sarah) I know its with love when they call me a hoe.
I really have too much to say about these 3 ladies. Maybe in the future I will do longer and individual posts for all 3 of them. Until then this is all you get. I hope you enjoy.
<3 AJ
Ok, maybe I lied. Maybe I will make this entry in dedication to all the the people I have in my life. So, lets start at the beginning.
Emily: I know she won't read this, but here goes it. I have known this crazy bitch for almost 19 years. She was 3 and I was 6. Needless to say that is when hell started to rumble. It knew that the trouble that we would bring in the future. She is a pain in my ass and I may bitch about her, but I really don't know what I would do if I wasn't friends with her. She is the annoying little sister that I am glad I never had. We have a lot in common and I think that's what makes our friendship stick.
Sarah: Hmmm maybe she will read this. (If I link her) I have known Sarah a little over a year now. I talk to her daily and I'm pretty sure that I would feel loss if I didn't talk to her everyday. There are very few people that I have met online and have truly felt connected too. Like I said, I have only known her a little over a year and I feel like I have known her for longer. She's funny, sweet, and always caring. Plus, she listens to what people have to say. I can't wait to have her as my roommate when we move to NYC.
Ally: I know this bitch will read this because she has been bugging me to blog for awhile now. Well, here you go, hoe! Hmmm where do I start (and finish) with Ally. This is one crazy bitch. For living so far apart we have WAY too much in common. From our step-dad's having the same name to our cats being identical twins. Ally is my twin that is 5 years older then me. We've just stopped asking the other things because we know the other one will like or dislike that thing. I also talk to Ally everyday. She might be one person that I allow to call me a hoe and get away with it. (besides Sarah) I know its with love when they call me a hoe.
I really have too much to say about these 3 ladies. Maybe in the future I will do longer and individual posts for all 3 of them. Until then this is all you get. I hope you enjoy.
<3 AJ
A Long Long Time Ago.....
Yes, I know it's been a long time since my last post. So sue me! I haven't really been up too much. I did turn 24 5 days ago. I am not enjoying the idea of being in my mid-twenties now. I feel a quarter century crisis coming on. Anyway moving on....
I really have no idea why I haven't blogged in a few months. I think I out blogged myself that night I wrote 3 entries. That was the last time. Also, I'm pretty sure only 2 people read my blog and one of them I have to make read it. I'm looking at you Sarah. Love ya anyway!
I really have no idea what to talk about. I blame my absence from being a regular blogger. I have all of these ideas and I can't handle it. Maybe I will write another one tonight....maybe. I think someone should force me to blog more often.
Ok, ta ta for now.
<3 alisha
PS. My next blog will be for my twin.
I really have no idea why I haven't blogged in a few months. I think I out blogged myself that night I wrote 3 entries. That was the last time. Also, I'm pretty sure only 2 people read my blog and one of them I have to make read it. I'm looking at you Sarah. Love ya anyway!
I really have no idea what to talk about. I blame my absence from being a regular blogger. I have all of these ideas and I can't handle it. Maybe I will write another one tonight....maybe. I think someone should force me to blog more often.
Ok, ta ta for now.
<3 alisha
PS. My next blog will be for my twin.
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