Life Has Never Been This Bad.

For 19 years I've had this friend, this friend who's been there through thick and thin, but recently she has not been there and I don't know how much longer I can take. I am constantly depressed, it hurts to eat, my stomach constantly hurts, and I feel as though this friendship ending has been harder on me then its been for her. I can't function and all I want to do is cry. I am NOT this person.

Last night I tried to talk to her via AIM and I was ignored. Which is only proving that everything I said was right. I will take no excuses. Anything at this point would just be awkward. Its been so long that I feel like we could never pick up where we left off. Life as friends would never be the same. I hate feeling this way. I have NEVER felt like this. Does this mean I am actually a normal person? Whatever normal is. I can't continue to feel like this. Its not healthy. I don't know anyway around it. I can't deal with my feelings like a normal person, because I've never really had any feelings. I thought that she would be in my life forever. I know now that I was wrong and nothing can ever change that.

I can't even end this blog because I am so upset. Stay tuned.

Unshed Tears: An Informal Apology (of sorts)

I'm so conflicted right now. I have this friend who I really care about, but I have no idea what is going on in our friendship. We have known each other for 19 years and never has it been this bad. We fight so much now and maybe its my fault, who knows. All I know is that we aren't the same that we use to be. Things get in the way. Not so much people, but things do. Maybe its because we are always with other people now and we never have time where its just the two of us. I really can't say. I do care about this person and I don't want her to think that I don't. She is my best friend. Maybe we just need some time apart to think things through and see what we both want. I would really hate to end this friendship that has lasted 19 years. I feel so sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I feel like I am going to explode at any minute. Like I said, all we've done is fought. Its always through some form of electronic though. We've never actually sat down and talked about it. So whenever are are together after a fight we just act like it didn't happen and I know that's not healthy. Maybe it would be best that we talked about it in person. I just hope that it wouldn't make things worse. I really do want to fix this. Make our friendship how it was a few years ago. I admit that I probably haven't been the best of friend lately, but I can't really say that its all my fault. I react to how I feel I am being treated. I feel as though I am being treated like shit, so I will then do the same. I know it's not the best thing to do, but that's all I know how to do. I haven't really accepted this friends numerous apologies either. Maybe its because that deep down I'm afraid that maybe it won't work with what I said to this person to get an apology. I can talk and talk, but am I being heard? Is anything being done? Will this end badly? God I hope not.

I admit that I am a bit of a bitch. But, can you really blame me? Look at how things have always gone in my life when it comes to friends and family. I have been shit on by too many friends. Maybe that's what I am afraid of what's happening with my best friend. Who knows. No one can get into this head. I feel like there are two sides of me. Parts of my think it would be best to end this friendship, but more of me wants to patch things up and fix this friendship. I just wish that this person would come to me. I come to her when there is a problem. Why not do the same? Oh well, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.

Painfully Conflicted,

Alisha